“Would you say I'm worthy?”
- Just Pretend by Bad Omens
It's been a while since I updated this blog, and that's saying a lot.
As of late, I've had a lot of thoughts, and I'd like to share them because they've led to some profound insights for me.
I needed to step back and take a look at the big picture before deciding what direction to take.
Every step of the way, I've taken the aggressive stance of soaking up as much Bullshit as possible in order to succeed.
My ultimate goal has always been to work in the video game industry, but I've run into a lot of obstacles and setbacks along the way that have caused me to lose sight of that goal.
This is not impossible to experience. In the pursuit of our goals, we can easily become detached from reality. Some of the time we don't even realise how painful it is.
How did I become so disoriented? Neither my destination nor my intended activity were clear to me any longer.
I had this epiphany after discussing my work with a professional in the field who was willing to offer feedback and suggestions. They sent me off to figure out my next move on my own.
For the sake of my dream, I was prepared to do and learn anything. kind of blinded by the dream. It almost resembled a form of escapism.
I looked into various jobs in the gaming industry to get a feel for the industry from various angles. watching videos and reading copious amounts of material.
Recently, I started listening to an audiobook of Mark Manson's "The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck." To be honest, I've never been interested in reading self-help books. For the most part, they don't interact with people on my level. As a whole, I thought this book was very forthright in its depiction of the nonsense with which we're sometimes confronted. The book begins with a condensed biography of the life of German-American poet, novelist, and short story writer Henry Charles Bukowski. He described how he was turned down by publisher after publisher, and how he ultimately ended up drinking himself into a funk and working at a post office as a result. It wasn't until much later that he found a publisher willing to publish his work. Even though he was still miserable, his works became huge bestsellers. The words "Don't Try" are carved into his gravestone.
A lot of things are clarified and put into perspective by reading this. As the saying goes, "the grass is always greener on the other side," and so we can allow ourselves to fantasise. Maybe it's just because the AstroTurf is brand new. But there's no guarantee we'll enjoy it or even be any good at it. It is possible that realising the ideal outcome would not result in any discernible change or sense of personal development on our part. That's just one of the many lessons I took away from the book that helped me put things in perspective. There has always been a fascination with Buddhist beliefs and acceptance of the world as it is. This book is, in a nutshell, about embracing your uniqueness.
Well, after that stimulating exchange, did I manage to sort everything out and gain some insight? I believe I did.
The first thing I did was investigate any and all options outside of computer programming.
In a very real sense, I landed in a spot about which I knew nothing. My profession is design. That was all I possessed. In the video game industry, the contributions of a good designer are often overlooked but crucial. Game designer, user interface/user experience designer, writer/content designer, and technical designer
I initially assumed that a graphic designer was unnecessary because of the lack of a need for their marketing expertise. Consequently, I felt disoriented and like I'd already shot myself in the foot. Yet, with help and additional study, this can be achieved.
There were times when specific roles actually terrified me.
I was treading through murky dark water at night, like my own personal silent hill to really find myself.
I narrowed it down to 3 options very quickly.
Concept art
UI design
Community
It felt like a victory at this point. In all three of these positions, I believe I can make good use of the abilities I already possess. In reality, I could apply all my skills in any of them, provided I was open to new experiences and willing to expand my horizons.
Through more research, I did narrow it down to 2.
Concept art
Community
Why did I drop UI? In any case, I had the impression that I was perceiving it from the vantage point of someone who saw a way through it. A sensible course, yes. To be fair, I was motivated to do it. It dawned on me that I wouldn't be fulfilled by this path eventually. Looking into the world of UI designers has been fascinating for me because I have so much respect for the work they do. From a design standpoint, it is incredibly intriguing.
So why these two?
For starters, I've wanted to be a concept artist ever since I was 16; I love coming up with ideas for new characters, weapons, props, etc. Accordingly, taking this road seems like the most obvious option. I like that it can be a creative and intellectual outlet throughout one's entire life. That is so awesome it's ridiculous. Challenges and laborious tasks do not intimidate me.
Second, community, in the context of community management. A significantly underrepresented sector of the industry. Yes, it is more on the marketing side, but I once had a conversation with a good friend who does work in this area. It made me consider how much I enjoyed growing the small Assassin's Creed fan community. It takes passion for the franchise and a lot of time to manage an online community. It's wonderful that fans can share their enthusiasm for the series in one location.
Did I narrow it down more? Because these are two very different disciplines.
I'd say yes and no. It's important to me to find answers, and I fully support this endeavour. For me, this was a re-discovery of who I am. From the outside, it might have looked like an open and shut case. I had to accomplish this myself.
So, where will I go?
My ultimate goal is to work in the field of concept art. However, I am still interested in community work! The key is to figure out which door will unlock first. I have a deep appreciation for each of these.
Maybe I put a lot of faith in the generosity of the universe. Perhaps I am more resilient now that I have a better understanding of who I am.
I picked up a pair of books by Elliot Lilly titled "The Big Bad Book of Concept Art," which delves into the inner workings of the video game industry. The more I learn about it, the more it makes me want to work in the video games industry. me, rather than frighten me away. I am not someone who is easily frightened.
That said, I feel like my destiny has been decided unconsciously.
If only a position suited to my qualifications would become available soon. Sincerely, who knows!!
In other news (and still on the subject of dreams), this coming Saturday I will be hosting a Halloween party for some of my closest friends. The costume I'm wearing isn't particularly out there. However, I did create a shirt for it. As an exercise in irony, I've decided to dress up as a Ubisoft employee for Halloween. Definitely not frightening, more like a dream come true! So that's how manifestation is supposed to go, right?
Overall, I am still aiming high and dreaming big, but now it's with an eye towards my desired destination.
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